Know Your Joe: Lifeline
by Red Witch
Summary: Co-Written with ColdFusion 180! This time it's Lifeline's turn to get the treatment. He might not like the taste of his own medicine.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters got blown up. Even this idea isn't entirely mine. ColdFusion 180 had it and I played around with it. So here it is, another…**

 **Know Your Joe: Lifeline**

"Oh goody!" Shipwreck groaned as several Joes gathered in one of the conference rooms of the Pit. "It's meeting time. Hooray."

"For the record, Shipwreck," Duke sighed. "I feel the exact same way."

"It definitely feels like a waste of our day," Roadblock added.

"Unfortunately, we don't have a say," Duke added. Then he realized what he just did. "Oh for crying out…"

"Don't need to shout," Roadblock added. "Or pout."

"Guess we just have to tough this out," Shipwreck snickered.

"Can it you lout," Lady Jaye got into the act.

"Can we please keep the hijinks to a minimum?" Flint groaned. "Now I know why General Hawk pawned this off on us."

"And knowing is a good reason to keep the liquor cabinets well stocked," Shipwreck smirked. "How much you want to bet this meeting in Washington DC he suddenly had to go to is in a bar somewhere?"

"Admittedly," Duke sighed. "Odds are pretty high on that one."

"This is a complete and total waste of time," Low Light grumbled. "Why are we even bothering to do this nonsense in the first place?"

"Because the higher ups declared it was past due the Joe Team was familiarized with the latest revisions to the Code of Conduct regarding Military Behavior, Etiquette and Courtesy," Flint explained.

"It's about time! You yahoos have been disrespectful and slacking at military discipline for years!" Beach Head shouted.

Alpine did a double take. "This from the man who insisted on bringing a teddy bear on all his PT sessions?"

"To boost morale!" Beach Head snapped.

"Newsflash," Lifeline groaned. "It doesn't."

"You've also been bringing that bear on missions," Duke added. "And talking to it a lot."

"Way more than usual," Bazooka admitted.

"Yeah, we're all starting to get a little worried about you," Alpine admitted.

"Seems like you're starting to crack, Jack," Roadblock agreed.

"This isn't about **me!** " Beach Head snapped.

"Are you sure about that?" Low Light asked.

"We are talking about the complete and total lack of discipline this lot has shown over the past few years," Beach Head snapped. "Especially after what happened during the recent inspection tour of the Pit."

"Okay in the first place," Alpine spoke up. "BA is the one who let that tidal wave of chocolate pudding loose. None of us had anything to do with that."

"But you did have something to do with rigging up a casino inside one of the airplane hangars!" Duke snapped.

"I prefer to call it creative fundraising," Alpine shrugged. "To ease the burden of the government paying for our essentials."

"You mean our cable bill and alcohol?" Beach Head asked.

"Tell me those aren't essentials!" Alpine snapped.

"It was against regulations!" Beach Head snapped.

Lady Jaye looked at him. "While you talking to a teddy bear and complaining about us in front of the generals was sooo keeping with the standards of the military!"

"We were discussing appropriate punishments," Beach Head snapped.

"Okay Beach Head in the first place…" Flint winced. " _Discussing_? That would imply the bear was talking **back** to you!"

"What's your point?" Beach Head asked, confused.

"Moving on to my second point," Flint groaned. "The generals were a bit concerned because technically shooting people out of cannons into volcanoes is against the Geneva Convention."

"As are whips made of fire," Low Light went on. "Ravenous wolverines, the rack and my personal favorite…Sending people to Mars for a few decades."

"You realize the only reason they didn't shut us down was because they're scared stiff of us, right?" Duke groaned. "That they figure using us is practically a human nuclear deterrent against Cobra and other terrorists."

"I told you to not show the Brass the ninja training field," Lady Jaye looked at him.

"Look I had to do something desperate," Duke snapped. "Especially after the incident with Shipwreck!"

"Are you going to blame me for what happened **again?"** Shipwreck groaned.

"Pretty much yes," Duke admitted.

"What you did was way more disturbing than me having a conversation with Sgt. Snuffles," Beach Head told him.

"Beach Head for the last time!" Duke snapped. "You can't have a conversation with something that doesn't **talk back**!"

"Tell Snake Eyes that," Beach Head said.

"He uses sign language!" Duke snapped. "I am talking about an inanimate, immovable object!"

"But enough about Beach Head's body odor," Alpine remarked. "Still Beach has a point. What Shipwreck did was way worse."

"Bordering sexual harassment worse!" Lady Jaye glared at him.

"For the last time, I had put on my old belt by mistake! The darn thing just slipped off when I turned away to sneeze!" Shipwreck defended. "Is it my fault I lost so much weight?"

"Where?" Low Light asked. "Certainly not your head which is still fat!"

"Why weren't you at least wearing underwear?" Lifeline asked.

"All my underwear was in the wash!" Shipwreck told him. "Besides, I didn't know those visitors were from the brass. I thought they were just members of Congress."

"That's supposed to make it **better?** " Lady Jaye was confused.

"You don't watch the news much do you?" Shipwreck asked.

"And you were bent over slapping your behind, _why?"_ Alpine gave him a look.

"Mosquitos," Shipwreck said with a straight face.

"Mosquitos…" Alpine blinked.

"Yes, Mosquitoes," Shipwreck told him.

"You were slapping your bare butt in front of the Brass because of **mosquitoes**?" Duke shouted.

Shipwreck shrugged. "They're really pesky this time of year."

"Not as pesky as those generals were," Duke groaned. "Some of them were ready to shoot you on the spot! Although the one from the Marine Corps did seem pretty excited."

"I'll say," Lady Jaye rolled her eyes. "That woman went straight to Hawk and asked him to have Shipwreck transferred to her personal staff immediately. Why Hawk didn't agree to it I will never know."

"You're welcome!" Shipwreck grinned.

"For what?" Duke snapped. "Nearly getting court martialed?"

"Okay, that explains why Shipwreck has to do this dumb review session," Low Light jerked a thumb at him. "But why do the rest of us have to go through with it? And by the rest of us I mean the ones that weren't gambling, talking to stuffed animals or surfing a wave of chocolate pudding."

"Because Psyche-Out thought it would be a good way to promote self-esteem and boost the team's morale," Sci-Fi explained.

"Ask a stupid question," Low Light groaned. "You know the only way to boost morale around here is to send that nutcase to Mars."

"See?" Beach Head snapped. "Sgt. Snuffles **did** have a good idea!"

"And where is Mr. Psychiatrist From Hell now?" Low Light asked.

"He had to go to a conference with General Hawk in Washington DC," Duke coughed.

"Funny how they both had the same conference to go to at the same time," Lady Jaye snapped. "And at the same place!"

"They're probably going to share a bar tab," Alpine groaned.

"Hey!" Sci-Fi spoke up. "It beats BA's punishment with the ninjas any day!"

Suddenly a far-off explosion was heard. "YEOOWWWWW!" BA's voice managed to echo into the conference room.

"Okay I'll give you that," Low Light shuddered.

"We're underground, right?" Roadblock sounded worried. "We should not have been able to hear that sound!"

"Don't think about it," Alpine groaned. "Just don't…"

"Look, it's not going to be that bad," Dial Tone shrugged as he finished setting up the TV. "All we have to do is watch this video for an hour and sigh a form saying we understand the material."

"Great," Low Light leaned back in his chair. "Just enough time to catch a quick nap."

"I have to agree with you man," Roadblock admitted as the Joes prepared to watch the video. "If there's one crazy, pointless waste of time and effort it's Psyche-Out's latest plan."

"Helloooooo everybody!" The smiling faces of Short Fuse and Quick Kick filled the screen. "Welcome back to the latest edition of the show that just won't die: Know Your Joe!"

"With one exception," Roadblock groaned.

"Oh no, not **again** ," Beach Head moaned at the sight. "Don't those idiots ever learn?"

"They never knew how," Low Light quipped.

"Despite popular demand, we're here ready, willing and able to continue highlighting Joes so that they may never be forgotten," Quick Kick smiled. "No matter how hard we try."

"Try shutting it off!" Duke shouted.

"I can't!" Dial Tone worked with the switches. "They've taken complete control of the TV! I can't even turn it off! Or turn on the video!"

"Oh great!" Low Light groaned. "Now I **want** to see that stupid video!"

"Anything is better than watching another one of their shows!" Flint agreed.

"No one could forget today's Joe," Short Fuse beamed. "He's the one member of the team who everyone interacts with and respects: the one and only Lifeline!"

"WHAT?" All the Joes yelled and looked at Lifeline in surprise.

"This wasn't my idea, I swear!" Lifeline yelped holding up his hands.

"And here to tell us all about our favorite medic is his lovely partner in love and healing: Bree!" Quick Kick grinned.

" **WHAT**?" Lifeline shrieked.

"Hi there!" Brittany "Bree" Van Mark waved and blew a kiss at the camera. "Hello sweetie!"

"Oh no!" Lifeline blanched.

"Oh boy," Low Light whistled at his friend. "You're a dead man!"

"And for once it's not going to be us that kills you," Alpine remarked.

"We really appreciate you going to all the trouble of being here with us," Short Fuse continued.

"Oh, it's no trouble at all," Bree twittered on screen. "I know my sweet, darling Lifeline is just too humble and modest to appear on this show himself. I'll gladly do him a favor and tell you everything you'd like to know!"

"Oh no!" Lifeline paled. "Bree don't you **dare!"**

"This isn't gonna be pretty," Alpine stated.

"No, it is not," Shipwreck snickered. "But very entertaining."

"I take it back," Low Light snickered. "This one might be better than the damn video after all!"

"Great! So let's get to it!" Quick Kick readied his notes. "Lifeline's real name is Edwin C. Steen and he's originally from Seattle, Washington, correct?"

"Yes," Bree smiled. "He has a father who is a pastor and a kind, younger sister named Stephanie."

"Okay! That's it! Show's over! Time to wrap it up!" Lifeline shouted.

"C'mon Lifeline," Lady Jaye scolded him. "This is Bree we're talking about. You can trust her."

"Yeah, what's the worst that can happen?" Flint added.

"You do know this is Bree we're talking about, right?" Beach Head asked.

"What was it like for Lifeline to grow up with a pastor father?" Short Fuse asked.

"Oh, it was difficult," Bree sighed. "He was very intimidated by him. Lifeline was so nervous during his baptism he wiggled out of his father's hands and slipped right out of his diaper in front of his whole congregation!"

"Bree!" Lifeline yelped turning red. "I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!"

"Wow, Lifeline must have been real skittish as a baby," Quick Kick commented.

"Oh, he wasn't a baby. He was six," Bree corrected. "Let's just say Lifeline was a late bloomer when it came to potty training."

"BREE!" Lifeline yelled.

"On second thought, that's pretty bad," Flint tried to control his laughter.

"Are you kidding? That's priceless!" Shipwreck slapped his knee as the rest of the Joes hooted. "This is payback for giving us all those 'required' vaccinations!"

"Guess you aren't the only one to reveal his bare bottom in public," Low Light snickered.

"I know!" Shipwreck laughed. "Who know me and Lifeline had so much in common?"

"WE DO NOT!" Lifeline yelled.

"I have to admit he does have a strange fascination with being spanked," Bree giggled.

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!" Lifeline lunged at the TV.

"Oh no, this is too good to miss!" Beach Head grabbed him and pushed him back in his seat. "Time you got a taste of your own medicine!"

"You're still sore I made you wear Lamb Chop pajamas when your tried escaping from the infirmary last week, aren't you?" Lifeline groaned.

"Oh yeah!" Beach Head grinned. "Payback is sweet!"

"Lifeline had a very strict upbringing because of his father," Bree continued on screen. "His father would punish him for every little thing. Even when he wet his bed!""

"Really? That's pretty harsh," Quick Kick commented.

"Bet Lifeline stopped that habit fast," Short Fuse added.

"Actually, he continued doing it until he was thirteen," Bree said.

"Thirteen?" Quick Kick blinked.

"Well, technically eighteen," Bree corrected. "He'd still wet the bed, but did so in a completed **different** manner."

"I knew it! Way to go, Lifeline!" Shipwreck patted him on back. "We gotta get together and swap dreams sometime!"

"It's always the quiet ones you least expect," Alpine smirked.

"Oh geeze!" Lifeline buried in face in his hands. "I've never been so humiliated in all my life!"

"Wanna bet?" Low Light pointed at the screen.

"Ho ho!" Quick Kick was seen grinning from ear to ear. "So our dear, sweet Lifeline had a bit of a naughty streak in him as a kid, huh?"

"A little," Bree whistled innocently. "He was usually very well behaved and had such fine manners. Although there was the time he covered the entire roof of his local church with shaving cream…"

"Really?" Short Fuse smiled. "Do tell!"

"No! There's nothing to tell!" Lifeline waved frantically.

"Well, it started out as harmless prank," Bree began to regale the tale to the camera.

"It was an accident!" Lifeline tried to shout over her.

"Lifeline just wanted to have a little fun," Bree grinned.

"I was doing a science project!" Lifeline insisted.

"So he scrounged up some shaving cream and made a couple hundred rockets…" Bree went on.

"I was demonstrating how weaponized rockets could be converted towards peaceful exploration!" Lifeline protested. "The wind shifted right as an escaped pangolin from the zoo caused me to slip setting off all the rockets at once and…WHY I AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS?!"

"Calm down, man." Roadblock tried to mollify him. "There's no reason to get upset. Emotional control you gotta get."

"Talk about your likely stories," Dial Tone chuckled.

"Boy was there a huge fire on the block next door," Bree said. "Apparently that Methodist Church was going to be torn down anyway…"

"Oh god…" Lifeline groaned. "It was my fault! It was the pangolin! It was all the pangolin's fault!"

"And I thought Shipwreck's excuses were wild," Alpine chortled.

"Boy, I bet Lifeline's father gave him the punishment of a lifetime after that," Quick Kick quipped.

"Oh yes," Bree sighed sympathetically. "Not only did Lifeline have to clean up the whole mess with a toothbrush, but he also had to babysit his little sister and her friends after school every day for a year!"

"Ouch," Low Light winced. "That's harsh."

"You have no idea," Lifeline moaned. "I still have nightmares about glitter, severed eyeballs and unicorns!"

"I was talking about the cleaning up with a toothbrush but…" Low Light did a double take. "Okay…"

"Severed eyeballs and unicorns?" Flint blinked.

"Don't ask," Lifeline groaned. "My sister has some very weird tastes."

"Sounds fine to me," Lady Jaye shrugged.

"No surprises there," Flint grumbled. Lady Jaye glared at him.

"Okay the toothbrush thing sounds bad," Quick Kick admitted. "But the babysitting thing shouldn't have been."

"Well apparently Lifeline's father was having some kind of feud with the Methodist minister so he wasn't that upset," Bree admitted. "I mean he had to put on a show but as soon as Lifeline finished cleaning up he got ice cream. And an extra two dollars a month in his allowance."

"Talk about your mixed messages," Short Fuse blinked.

"Tell me about it," Lifeline groaned.

"Of course, Lifeline has always gotten along very well with Stephanie," Bree continued on screen. "He cares for her so much. He'd do anything for her. Like the time he dressed as a vampire fairy for her sixth birthday party."

"Vampire fairy?" Alpine did a double-take.

"Like I said, weird tastes," Lifeline sighed.

"Want to see a picture of it?" Bree grinned.

"Yes! Yes!" Quick Kick and Short Fuse cheered.

"NO! NO!" Lifeline yelled futilely. "BREE!"

"Whoa, love the look, Lifeline!" Shipwreck whistled as a photo of a teenage Lifeline in costume appeared on screen. "That makeup really brings out your eyes."

"I think I'm in love," Slipstream snickered.

"You filled out that corset pretty well," Sci-Fi noted.

"You have nice legs," Bazooka commented. Everyone looked at him. "What? He does!"

"He's not wrong. Does Bree have any copies?" Lady Jaye stared at the photo.

"WHAT?" Flint yelped.

"I hate you all," Lifeline groaned. "Stephanie promised me she burned that photo!"

"Next time make sure you get the negatives," Low Light shrugged.

"What next time? There was no next time!" Lifeline shouted.

"Stephanie just loved Lifeline in that outfit," Bree appeared back on screen. "And so did all her friends. In fact, Lifeline wore that costume appearing at little girls' parties in his neighborhood for the next three years!"

"You were saying?" Duke gave Lifeline a look.

"Well, maybe there were a few more instances," Lifeline groaned.

"Does he still have the costume?" Quick Kick asked.

"No, he burned it after graduating high school and making enough money to pay his tuition for EMT training," Bree sighed. "Stephanie said she never saw her brother do cartwheels and dance a jig before."

"Awww," Most of the Joes sighed teasingly.

"Of course once I saw the photo I bought him a new, updated costume for his anniversary of meeting me," Bree smiled.

"BREE!" Lifeline yelled.

"Oh really?" Short Fuse's eyes grew wide. "You wore a copy of that outfit for him?"

"Who said **I** wore it?" Bree grinned wickedly.

"BREE!" Lifeline turned even redder than his uniform.

"Well this is a side of Lifeline I never thought I'd see," Low Light blinked. "Or wanted to know about."

"Whoo hoo! Go Lifeline!" Shipwreck howled. "You're my new hero! So tell us: what was Bree wearing?"

"SHUT UP SHIPWRECK!" Lifeline yelled.

"What?" Shipwreck asked. "Like you're the only guy who dressed up like a chick for a fantasy evening?"

"Oh my God…" Duke was stunned. "Lifeline really is like Shipwreck!"

"WE ARE NOT!" Lifeline screamed.

"To be fair," Shipwreck spoke up. "A lot of my dates like the mermaid/merman fantasy…"

"I'd like to have one meeting without anything stupid or insane happening," Duke groaned. "That's my fantasy!"

"After EMT training Lifeline became a paramedic with the Seattle Fire Department," Bree continued on screen. "He stayed there for five years before discovering Emergency Medical Service personnel who were disabled while giving aid off-duty were not eligible for pensions."

"Oh, so he was treating fire victims well after the fires were over?" Quick Kick asked.

"No, he nearly lost his spleen while treating his fellow fire fighters during their championship round of jousting trampolines," Bree smiled.

"Jousting trampolines?" Short Fuse blinked.

"Well, they got bored from not having that many fires to fight, so they'd find other ways to pass the time," Bree explained. "Simple things like flaming ladder races, trampoline basketball dunks, water cannon polo, fire hose bungee jumping…"

"So **that's** where Barbecue got those ideas from," Flint gave Lifeline a look.

"I told him to wear a helmet," Lifeline defended weakly.

"Yeah, but from a spare armor piercing shell?" Lady Jaye raised an eyebrow.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Lifeline moaned.

"How many holes are left to be repaired in the cafeteria ceiling?" Alpine asked.

"Not as many as the ones in my sanity," Duke groaned.

"To be fair I'm the one who suggested the trampoline basketball dunks," Shipwreck spoke up.

"NOT HELPING SHIPWRECK!" Lifeline shouted. "NOT HELPING!"

"Since Lifeline believed rescue personnel were never off-duty he decided to make his status permanent by enlisting in the army as a corpsman," Bree finished. "He said it would be a much calmer and safer working environment."

"Really?" Short Fuse looked surprised. "He must not have understood what he was getting into."

"Oh, I think he did," Bree smiled. "Lifeline still says that giving care while under Cobra attack is far quieter and easier that delivering it at the fire house."

"A Cobra attack is a tea party compared to the last week-long prank war around here," Alpine quipped.

"Don't remind me," Low Light moaned. "My favorite gun still has bubble gum in it."

"My bubble gum which Shipwreck stole!" Bazooka snapped.

"I said I was sorry!" Shipwreck snapped. "That one was Polly's fault! Not mine!"

"Oh sure," Bazooka glared. "Blame the bird!"

"Like Lifeline and the pangolin," Alpine quipped. Lifeline let out a scream of frustration.

"Lifeline is so just so brave and caring," Bree twittered. "He will wade in and extract a wounded teammate no matter how tired he is. After one firefight he was so exhausted I had to help him remove his blood-covered uniform and give him a complete sponge bath."

"BREE!" Lifeline yelped.

"Wow, you're a lucky guy," Alpine whistled.

"You must be really happy," Bazooka commented innocently.

"Well I'm not," Shipwreck complained. "Why hasn't she ever given a sponge bath to **me?"**

"SHUT UP SHIPWRECK!" Lifeline snapped.

"So much for your reputation as a quiet, mild-mannered medic," Low Light quipped as he tried to calm down a very agitated Lifeline. "Keep this up and you'll be able to out-bellow Beach Head."

"He will **not**!" Beach Head yelled.

"Oh really?" Quick Kick grinned at Bree's revelations. "Anything happen afterward?"

"Unfortunately no," Bree sighed. "Poor Lifeline was so tired. I just toweled him off and helped him into bed."

"Oh. So you two didn't cuddle?" Short Fuse pressed.

"Of course not! Lifeline is a complete gentleman," Bree smiled. "He's so sweet and innocent in every sense of word."

"Wait a second," Quick Kick stared at her. "Just how 'innocent' is he?"

"Well…" Bree fidgeted.

"Are you saying Lifeline is…" Short Fuse's eyes widened.

"Virtuous. Very virtuous," Bree whistled. "Let's just say there are still some things Lifeline has little inexperience with no matter how hard I try."

"WHAT?" All the Joes in the room shouted.

"Are you **kidding**?" Alpine stared at Lifeline in shock.

"Wow, I never would have guessed," Sci-Fi was stunned.

"Rats! Guess you aren't my hero after all," Shipwreck snapped his fingers.

"Guess you two aren't alike," Lady Jaye said. "Honestly that's not the worst thing in the world."

"I take it back, Lifeline. You still have your reputation," Low Light quipped. "Just not the one you wanted."

"I'll kill her," A dazed Lifeline stared at the screen in shock. "I'll **kill her**!"

"I thought you were a pacifist," Bazooka scratched his head.

"THERE ARE WAYS AROUND IT!" Lifeline screamed running out of the room. "BREE WE NEED TO TALK!"

"That's what caused all your trouble in the first place!" Dial Tone shouted after him.

"So much for following the Code of Conduct regarding Military Behavior, Etiquette and Courtesy," Lady Jaye sighed.

"Yeah, like that ever had a chance of surviving around here," Beach Head grunted. "You know I always wondered why Lifeline joined this unit. Now I know."

"And knowing is a good reason to hire another psychiatrist," Low Light grumbled.

"We're going to need a whole team of them for this group," Flint groaned.

"This meeting was actually more fun than I thought it would be," Alpine grinned.

"Well, looks like Lifeline has finally snapped," Duke sighed. "I have to admit, he lasted a lot longer than I thought he would. Now I owe Ace twenty bucks for the betting pool."

"If these shows keep up we won't have any sane Joes left," Flint groaned.

"Are you kidding? That's ridiculous," Low Light gave Flint a look. "Whoever heard of a **sane** **Joe**?"


End file.
